The Complicated Feelings of Rage & Jealousy

I’m not a big fan of quoting famous white men.  In my experience, usually they said a lot of obvious things using obvious words and are much quoted for obvious reasons.  And yet, this quote by Albert Einstein helpfully reminds us that: “If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.” Although we read children’s books to them in order to explain complex phenomena succinctly, we forgot how enormously difficult this task is, and how skilled the authors are at distilling challenging ideas like listening, consent, sexism, settler colonial legacies and white supremacy into less than 1000 words and pictures.  (I didn’t even know I didn’t know how to listen until I realized I was the chicken in The Rabbit Listened.  Cluck, cluck, let’s talk talk talk about it.  I mean, I’m a lesbian, I thought it was par for the course to never stop to listen because I was too busy processing).

In keeping with this tumultuous time in the world, this week’s books are on rage and/or jealousy.

I Hate Everyone
by Naomi Danis, Illustrated by Cinta Arribas

I love this book. I love it so much! Lots of parents and educators do not like it and will not use it. Hate is a powerful word, and it’s a challenging time to think about hate when white supremacist/misogynist hatred is on the rise. Many of us wish our children wouldn’t use the word hate and we try to get them to use more descriptive words to articulate their feelings. And yet, our children do use it, and we need to find ways of speaking with them about hate. This book follows a little girl who is having a meltdown at her birthday party. She models so well the experience of when our emotions overwhelm us and nothing feels right. Also, a book that features a little girl who feels profound rage and is not shamed or talked out of her feeling is profoundly feminist (with thanks to my therapist for this point). It makes me laugh when the little girl says: “I hate when the balloons pop! And I hate when you say stop popping the balloons!” Revealing how difficult it is to be a child where you are bossed around continuously, our heroine yells: “Don’t tell me to stay when I want to go! And don’t tell me to say goodbye when I want to stay and play!” this book always reminds me how little control my children have over the world that grownups built for them. And yet, when her parents try to leave her, she articulates the ambivalence around connection so often at the heart of big feelings. The little girl needs to push her parents away so that they can show they love her by staying close. My eyes always well up at the end of the book when she says “I hate you but I want you to love me.” Isn’t this profound human desire to push people away just when we need them most something that persists into adulthood? How many times have we all told the people we love most: “I told you to leave! … Where are you going?” To me, this book does the profound human work of unpacking what lies beneath the words “I hate you” and the yearning for connection they often reveal, as well as opening up the possibilities for talking to our children about the complexities of hate. Simply telling children “you can’t say I hate you” (which I still do all the time) to me isn’t as helpful as the nuanced conversations that are made possible using this book. (For another great description of hate and its complexities, l’d also recommend the chapter titled “Hate” of Lynda Barry’s graphic memoir 100! Hundred! Demons! (Barry’s book is for grownups only though). SO many women suppress so much of their anger under patriarchy that we don’t even know when we are angry anymore. I Hate Everyone helps to remedy this failing while also suggesting that desire for connection is an intimate part of rage.

Princess Puffybottom and Darryl
by Susin Nielsen, Illustrated by Olivia Chin Mueller

This book is written by Susin Nielsen, who also has written a lot of my favourite YA novels (she used to write for Degrassi).  It features a cat who is the centre of her family, until the arrival of Darryl the dog.   This book is funny, it features lots of delicately written poop jokes which children love, while dealing with the feelings of loneliness, anger and displacement that Princess Puffybottom faces at the arrival of Darryl the dog.  While this book could be understood to be written for older children who feel jealous and displaced at the arrival of a baby, it’s also helpful for reminding all of us how painful and lonely displacement is.  Princess Puffybottom reminds us how jealous, angry and despairing we can feel when someone new arrives on the scene, whether it is our best friend’s new romantic partner or the arrival of another child in the family.  Princess Puffybottom and Darryl ultimately team up, and she grows to appreciate Darryl’s love for her and his desire to spend time with her.  This books also features two women of colour who are a romantic couple, one of whom is pregnant, and at the end they bring home a baby – ready and wiling to displace both Darryl and Princess Puffybottom.  However, rather than tokenistically making a big deal about having two moms, this feature of Nielsen’s is secondary to the narrative.  I personally way prefer this lighthanded touch than the heavy moralizing tone of books like Heather Has Two Mommies - although I also appreciate that this book paved the way for many others, and that we were lucky to have it.   

I Like You
by Sandol Stoddard Warburg, Illustrated by Jacqueline Chwast

I’ve included this book even though it’s harder to obtain.  You’d have to turn to Abe Books or get me to order it for you (please don’t forget that there is still more Trump money, although I’m happy to say it’s dwindling!)  I found out about it because my wonderful collaborator Catherine-Laura Dunnington sent me a quote from it that I think of often: “I like you because when I am pretend I am drowning.  You pretend you are saving me.”  In fact, this book was my wedding gift to my partner.  This is a book that explains the ups and downs of any serious relationship.  Alongside many other feminists including my PhD advisor Paula Treichler, I’ve said for many years that we don’t have enough odes to friendship.  There are a few movies, a few books, and a few songs, but we generally don’t give it friendship enough space in popular culture.  This book aims to rectify this lack.  We often expect friendship to be easy, but why should we?  In any intimate relationship, conflict is sure to arise, and we need only to look at children’s struggles with their “best” friends to remember that friendship, like any other close relationship, is hard.  If you or your child are struggling with a friend, it’s because the process of connection is inevitably and intimately tied to discord.  To me, this book gets at that, both at the ease of friendship (I can be quiet with you) and at the challenges of friendship (I like you because if I am mad at you. Then you are mad at me too).  An updated version of this book that I also really is by the author of I Hate Everyone and is equally excellent, titled My Best Friend, Sometimes.  (Maria Popova also wrote a lovely article on I Like You– found here: https://www.brainpickings.org/2019/09/02/i-like-you-stoddard-chwast/).